theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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