ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
