Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
