I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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