Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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