Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
