i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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