We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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