Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
