My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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