i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
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You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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