I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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