he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
