I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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