It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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