i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
