if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
