omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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