I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
MIDGETS
????
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
