I cannot find my penis.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
