my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
