I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
