just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
