remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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