Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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