Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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