i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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