I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
