i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
