Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Randomize
