Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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