I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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