Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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