I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
