my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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