just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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