My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
