Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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