Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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