he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
