so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
