she woke up with a sticky ear
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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