Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
