I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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