i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
