I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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