you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
