I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
