rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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