it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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