you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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