3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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