I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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