she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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