On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
