maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
