I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
