I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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