Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
