I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
