when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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