probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
