Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
