The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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