he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
