I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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